I've had a wide range of emotional responses - guilt for not knowing what to say; sorrow on behalf of the families left to pick up the pieces; apathy because mentally I know that people die every day all over the world "why should this be special"; shame at my lack of empathy; and then empathy as I speak words of a monologue about loss and am suddenly hit by the enormity & personal impact of those words: "She is dead; and this was death indeed."
Emotions have a way of happening with no regard to appropriate timing or social norms - it hits you and you react. Of course, as we grow into adulthood, we learn more of the social constructs of what is 'okay' to share and what should be kept behind closed doors. This often creates blocks to mental health as we strive to do the 'right thing' even as the definition of 'right' is in constant flux.
Friday night, backstage at the Babes' production of Witch Slap!, the cast of ladies bonded a bit (even more than before!!) as we all attempted to prepare to perform in a comedy when none of us could really see beyond the pain & shock of so much loss. Don't ask me how, but we all decided to belch as loudly as we could. LoJo is a champion belcher - she can do it on command, and be heard from more than one room away. So the rest of us passed around a 1 liter of RC Cola and did our best to let fly with a 'life-affirming belch'. It worked...Maybe because it was silly, or because it was a physical affirmation of our own bodies still being vibrant, or because it made us feel like adolescents (who are always full of life), but whatever it was, it clicked. We felt better. We felt alive. We felt able to basically go play dress-up & put on a show for more folks who needed a release; a laugh; an affirmation of life.
To me, this is one of the greatest powers of theatre and I'm so proud to be a part of this calling, with so many other wonderful, dedicated, and generous souls.