My apologies to my boss, as I should be working right now, but I had to stop and write this. I've had several blog ideas bouncing around in my head since my last post (it's really been almost two months?!?!?) but other things (like work & travel & vacation) kept taking priority over sitting down to type.
But this morning... It started like most mornings recently. The alarm went off. I hit snooze. I rolled over and went back to sleep. The back up alarm went off and I turned it off. The snoozed alarm struck again and I laid in bed listening to NPR and scrolling my Facebook feed on my phone before finally getting up to make breakfast and a cup of tea. I turned on the computer and opened all the 'work' windows - posted the Babes new header image to Facebook, posted about how sore I am from yesterday's workout and started to sort the emails. Then, I saw the SCOTUS decision. It FILLED my Facebook feed. It filled my eyes with tears. My mouth instantly rose into a smile. It's not often one can recognize the impact of the times as we're living in those times. But this IS history. This is a moment of definition - I see it. I love it. And I'm weeping. (I honestly didn't expect this to have such an impact on me, but there you go. Feeling all the Feels!) Maybe it's the fact that just this past weekend I was at the wedding celebration of two of the loveliest women I know. (or maybe it's because I think consenting adults should really be able to do pretty much anything they damn well please so long as no one is being physically hurt or mentally/emotionally manipulated) Love each other, folks. #LoveWins I think one of the worst things about depression, for me personally, is its lack of 'sense'. There's no reason...
Yesterday was 80 degrees and sunny here in Chicago - after a long, cold winter, a cool and damp spring, we finally had a GORGEOUS day. And I was angry. I was sad. I was depressed. Everything started going wrong ( I left my wallet at home, when I was headed to lunch where I had planned to cover the check. I snapped at a co-worker for something that any other day would have caused a 'sigh' at the most. Every email was a Herculean task I didn't have time for.) and then I started berating myself for everything that was wrong with me (Why do you get so mad so easily? Why is your to-do list so impossibly long? Why haven't you started learning new monologues the way you SAY you want to? Why is your career stalled? Why aren't you taking steps to advance your career? Do you even know where you want your career to go? Why can't you afford to buy a house? Why are you so angry on a beautiful day? Why can't you just smile and let it go? Why do you have to be 'right' all the time? Have you learned nothing in the past 30+ years?...and so on). So the day proceeded to be beautiful and I proceeded to be depressed...and that becomes its own sticking point. If I can't be happy on a beautiful day, do I deserve to be happy at all? Am I worthy of trying again tomorrow? How can I justify wasting this entire day being depressed and then simply snap out of it after a good night's sleep and be ready to face the day and happy that I'm alive? Because, I am. I did. I made the choice to go home & sleep after my show last night and I woke up to a sunny morning and hope that today will be a good day. I don't expect that I'll get angry over nothing (though I still might!) and I don't expect everything to be harder than it has to be. Just as magically (and annoyingly) the feelings of hopelessness, inertia, and what I call "Why bother"ness that were all over my day yesterday, are no where to be found this morning. And because those feelings are gone just as quickly as they appeared, my struggle for today will be in forgiving myself for having wasted yesterday. I could easily fall into a self conversation of "why" - Why did you let yesterday make you feel that way? Why did you get so angry? Why do you think you deserve a second chance today? Why don't you know what to do to make it all better? Why don't you have a better grip on your emotional needs and a better plan for dealing with days like yesterday...and so on! Today is a new day. I deserve it because I'm still here. Because I survived - and that's the only criteria. We don't have to earn happiness. I'm a big fan of books. I used to love summer vacation because it meant I could start a book during the day, and then stay up as long as I wanted that night so I could finish it because I didn't have to wake up early for school the next day. (Yes, I was a nerd. Shocking, isn't it?) I still love reading and miss that simple joy of picking up a book and not really moving until I've finished the story. Oddly, I don't feel the same way about plays. I'm a horrible play-reader. I find it difficult to imagine the whole world with just the characters' dialogue (and no, stage directions don't help!). I think that's why I love rehearsal - using the script, the actors, designers, and directors get to create the world that the dialogue lives in. They get to make it all up and I find that to be a much more fun & rewarding experience in the company of other creative folks, rather than sitting by myself with some pieces of paper (or a Kindle). With books, the author has an amazing ability to place you in a world that is already complete. Every detail has been fleshed out - the sounds, the scents, the attitudes of each character. The surprises...I love it all! I also firmly believe in the power of education to shape the world. I have a little tea tag from some Good Earth tea. I don't know how long ago I consumed the tea, but the tag is still on my bulletin board of 'important' things* and it has on it a Socrates quote: "The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance." Books are an EXCELLENT source of knowledge - a great way to learn about and experience parts of the world you've never been to or thought about...an exploration of ideas and relationships and feelings and metaphors. Sigh. I really like books. Lately, because adulthood, I don't get to read as much as I'd like. Just last month, a friend bought me a book for my birthday and I inhaled it in a 3-day period (just after one show closed, when I had an unexpected night off rehearsal from the next). It was bliss. Despite not being able to curl up with a cup of tea & a good book quite as often as I'd like, I do still get my 'read' on, with my current obsession with audio books. I download and listen to several books every month (having a day-job isn't always bad). And because the Chicago Public Library is amazing, I am able to do so for FREE. (Audible is great and all, but $15/month? Why?) Plus, what amazingly talented voice over artists. Mad props to folks who can create that entire world of the book just by the power of their voice. So, today, I'm giving back. As a bonus, I found out that this is the middle of National Library Week! (Who knew this was a thing?!?!). In honor of all these things, I've made a donation to my beloved CPL for $100 (Actually to the Chicago Public Library Foundation) so they can continue to provide books (in all formats) to people (of all ages) for free! *Bulletin Board of Important Things
(For more info about National Library Week, you should check out ilovelibraries.org) or...Buying Something I Never Knew I Wanted
I'm buying a seat. Not just any seat. A seat in a theater. A theater that is being built to house a theatre company that I've had the pleasure of working with.
Just this past year, I had the pleasure & joy of working with The Factory Theater for the first time on their World Premiere production of Hotel Aphrodite. After being in the audience for their productions of Jenny and Jenni, 'Namosaur, and Street Justice Condition Red, I was finally getting to join in the fun. And that is exactly what it was - FUN. The script was irreverent, the cast was insane, and our director guided us to find & share the human moments in a farce of orgasmic size. It was also a really good learning experience for me personally - my comfort zone is classical text. I enjoy the heightened language of Shakespeare and figuring out ways to make the most poetic lines sound like everyday speech (it's hard, but fun - yes, I'm weird). With my work with Babes With Blades Theatre Company, I've been doing a lot of new script development. I'm learning to be more comfortable with the 'creation' of a character, but it's still very much a learning process for me. Being able to play with a different group of people helped me see how their process worked - the bravery required (especially with a broad comedy) to just go for it; try something; go BIG; take risks. All those cliches came alive. And it was amazing! So my second donation is to The Factory Theatre's capital campaign via IndieGoGo. Not only is it supporting a great artistic endeavor - a theatre company with a proven history of producing original works - but it's creating a space that will help reinvigorate the local economy of the Howard Street corridor in the Roger's Park neighborhood of Chicago. Countless studies show that the arts and economy are closely related - here's hoping that The Factory Theater's return to Roger's Park will be just the beginning of the creation of a safer, more welcoming neighborhood.
On the selfish side - I went with the $250 level because that means I get a seat in the new space with my name on it. How. Cool. Is. That???? I never knew I wanted this type of legacy...but I guess I do.
(Plus - maybe the folks at The Factory Theater will let BWBTC rent the space at a special 'friends' rate once they get up and running! <wink-wink; nudge-nudge>)
For some background on my tax-return-spending venture, check out the first post where I detail my personal freak-out to being debt-free for the first time EVER. (Told you I was weird.)
I find myself recently in a situation that is entirely new to me. I have no debt. None. Zero. I have living expenses and a job that pays me enough to meet those expenses. (Weird, huh?) I paid off my credit cards about 12 years ago, after consolidating them into a single payment plan and cutting them all up. Since then, I've reopened several and use them often, but always, always, ALWAYS, pay off the balance before it's due. (I basically treat them like debit cards and track purchases in my check-book, which keeps me from spending more than I actually have). It's not always easy, but I have distinct memories of being in over my head and I work very hard to not be in that situation again. I paid off my car last November - throwing a bit extra toward the principal in addition to my regular car payment each month. This was mostly made possible because I made the difficult choice to once again have a roommate (after 3 years of living on my own in a 1-bedroom apartment). It wasn't an easy decision, but I feel great at the result and know that next year when it's time to revisit my living situation, I'll be in a good place to make the best choice for my pocket and my sanity. I paid off my student loans just last month (same was as the car - putting either a double payment each month, or making the regular payment, but adding some to a savings account. When the savings reached the same level as the amount due, I made a final, big payment). I can't tell you how good that felt. Truly. So the dilemma is: what do I do with my upcoming tax return? Many ideas are bouncing around in my head, including vacation, starting an investment account for a down payment on a home, throwing it all into a retirement account, going on a random shopping spree...and, yes, I'll probably take about half of my return and do some (or all of those things). But I've also decided to put my tax return dollars where I think my actual tax dollars would and should be going. I'm donating to causes I believe in. I'm putting money into the hands of people with a proven track record for supporting causes I believe in. Very little of the Federal or State budgets get spent on things that I consider to be essential to my daily existence: Art (do you even see this anywhere in the above graph?) Education (we can do better than 6%, right?) Social equality (women's rights, civil rights, LGBT equality) Peace programs (if we can spend 55% on the Military, how about a little on what peace-time could & should look like?) Human rights (food, housing, & medical services for those in our society who can't provide such bare necessities for themselves) My first donation is being made to the Human Rights Campaign, as part of my commitment to social equality and also as a response to the RFRA recently passed in Indiana. Posts I'm seeing about this on my facebook feed have led to great feelings of rage & sadness on my part: I find it truly appalling that there is now the equivalent of legal cover for discrimination based on sexual orientation. I find it terribly disheartening that this is even an issue in the United States of America in 2015. The idea that one person's religious convictions can change the way business is conducted in our supposedly free market and free society scares me to death. "HRC envisions a world where lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are embraced as full members of society at home, at work and in every community." I agree with this goal and I'm putting my money where my mouth is: $100 donated today This has been rattling around in my head for about a week now. Part of being an artist and pursuing your art as a career is self-motivation. There's no boss to hand out assignments, no manager to ensure quality, no direct client to hold you accountable for completing the project. It's all you - you are your own boss, your own manager, your own product. A piece of advice I've seen often is that you do something for your career everyday - it doesn't have to be huge, but it should be meaningful - it should be intentional toward your artistic aspiration.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about an upcoming break. Since rehearsals for The Lark started in November of 2013, I've been going pretty non-stop from one project to the next (often overlapping projects) and I'm feeling the tug of burnout. I see it in my approach to rehearsals for All's Well That Ends Well and in my energy levels at the end of a weekend of performances of Titus Andronicus (another example of overlap!). As I'm thinking about my upcoming break, I'm trying to plan what it will look like - first, the fun stuff: seeing shows, going to the beach, hanging out with friends, visiting my nieces, maybe a trip to Colorado. Then, it'll be time to reinvest in the career, without jumping back in to overload - reading plays, working monologues, doing my vocal work, setting up a system of tracking for my taxes (something I 'plan' to do EVERY year at this time!). Of course, I'll still be working the money job, but working one job instead of 2 will seem like quite the relief, I'm sure. So what have I been doing 'for my career' lately? Monday was an evening off (the first in a while) and I read through about 5 scripts for the Babes' Joining Sword & Pen playwriting competition. Tuesday was another night off and I planned to do my taxes...instead I was offered a comp to see Strawdog's 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea and had dinner before hand with the lovely Morgan Manasa & Mr. Beckman. Wednesday was rehearsal for All's Well (but I was called later in the evening, so I ripped through another script for JS&P!). Tonight, we're back in Rome for a Pay What You Can Thursday performance of Titus Andronicus. All in all, pretty intentional and on point, right? Honestly, though, I think what I really did 'for my career' this week was to go grocery shopping. I hadn't done that since before tech week of Titus (I'm talking February 23rd here!) and it was becoming an issue. Sure I was eating - the wonderful cafe near the theatre, Zanzibar, is a favorite of mine & has received much of my business over the last few weeks! I stopped at Little Caesar's after a voice lesson for their deep dish lunch special. Chipotle after a work meeting became lunch & dinner. And then the random, improvised home meals: pasta/olive oil/garlic salt & English muffin garlic bread...apples & peanut butter...A grapefruit & handful of Cheez-Its...Just enough sustenance to maintain energy. But I didn't cook anything, really. Yesterday, I got out a couple of recipe books, picked an old favorite and a 'something new' to try, then headed to the grocery store. Sloppy Joes are in the crock pot and I have everything I need for Spinach Artichoke Pasta Salad (probably a project for tomorrow). It literally took less than 5 minutes to put everything in the crock pot for Sloppy Joes tonight, but I already feel better about being able to eat something I made - knowing that I took some time to prepare it and take care of myself. So what I did for my career was take care of 'me'. Without my sanity, my energy, my physical health, my ability to focus... there's not much use in doing all the other millions of things that seem to be required to sustain a career in the arts. So do something for your career today. See a show. Read a play. Write a blog. Listen to a new band or artist. Take a class. Hit the gym. Record an audition. Or... just go outside in the sun and take a walk. Spend a little extra time in the shower letting the day's tension melt away. Explore a part of your neighborhood you've never been to. Go window shopping. People Watch at the local cafe. Make yourself dinner... When you are your own business, everything gift you give yourself in becoming a better, healthier, happier, more well-rounded person, is also something that will help move you along your chosen career path. (And if someone could remind me of this in about 4 months when I'm going stir-crazy because I'm not working on 4 projects simultaneously, I'd be most appreciative!) And today, I am not prepared. It's my own fault - which can make the feelings of guilt, anger, and sadness that much harder to deal with. There's an opportunity today for an audition at a company I would love to work with, but I'm not attending the audition. I put it on my calendar weeks ago as a reminder to prepare something for it specifically, but as the days and weeks passed, it kept getting pushed further and further back on the 'to-do' list. (You may have skimmed my last post about "Procrastination"...) Part of the issue is my preparation for Tamora in Titus Andronicus. We preview exactly one month from yesterday, and I'm still not off-book. Technically our 'off-book' deadline is this coming Sunday, but I know from experience that the sooner I can have the words cleanly in my mind and body, the sooner I am able to embody the role & live in the moment on stage (my personal goals as an actor). I don't know what's keeping me from preparing...from doing the work I know I should. And, of course, that lack of understanding is its own kind of procrastination and distraction. The snowball of thoughts starts to roll...Am I doing what I really 'want' to do? Am I wasting my time pursuing a career that has no stability? Do I have any talent at all? Should I just resign myself to a desk-job and volunteer somewhere on the weekends to feel useful to society? Why didn't I just do what I KNOW I needed to do and then I wouldn't feel like this! Why don't I have the 6-8 monologues always at the ready so I can drop what I'm doing and hit in audition at ANY time? Did I learn anything in school? Have I learned anything from 11 years in Chicago? Does anyone even think I have talent? Am I only working because people think I'm dependable (which, obviously, I'm not right now!) and most actors are flakes?!? Yes, it jumps that quickly and that deeply into self-doubt,through self-judgement, and towards self-hate. And this is where the more philosophical questions come into play. Is this the depression talking? Is it "just" PMS? (I put "Just" in quotes because many folks don't seem to understand that it is a REAL condition. Not every woman suffers from it, but those that do know that it can have very real effects on your physical, mental, and emotional state.) If I lay back down and cover my head will it all be better tomorrow? Because if it IS depression or PMS or both, what the fuck am I supposed to do? How do I push through it? Can I? Do I seriously have to wait until it passes before I can DO ANYTHING? So instead of preparing, I freeze myself into this world of fear and anger and frustration, until I feel physically ill. My friend Jack often suggests: Forgive yourself, but don't let yourself off the hook. That first step is the hardest for me. *Quote by Louis Pasteur (Some say it's "Chance" rather than "Fortune" but I agree with the sentiment) It's so easy - I'm doing it even as I type!
It's Sunday and I had nothing on my calendar - this is dangerous for me because it can go the way of : A - "Do everything you never have time for!" or B- "Do nothing and feel guilty for not doing the things you never have time for!" Obviously, option A leaves me feeling better, so logically, I should just do that. I should hit the gym for an extended work out. I should organize my desk and clean out old emails. I should prep my taxes (cuz you know April 15th always comes sooner than you think it will). I should do my laundry. I should put my keepsakes from the last 2 or 3 plays I was in into my scrapbook (effectively helping organize the desk previously mentioned). I should read a book. I should work on my lines for Tamora. I should research my character. I should prep for the Babes With Blades Theatre Company marketing meeting on Friday. I should prep for my upcoming work trip to California. I should prep for an upcoming audition that I really want to nail. I should update my blog... Hey, look - I did one of the things on my "should" list...now I can go back to effective procrastination, guilt-free...if only it really worked that way! I found out yesterday that a man I worked with on a show almost exactly one year ago died. He was killed by depression. Some would say 'he committed suicide', but I prefer to place the blame where it belongs: the disease.
My thoughts are still a jumble about the man who played my husband in one scene, and religious tormentor in another, but I do KNOW that every time someone compliments my black & white fedora, I will remember him with a smile. Many people have commented on it over the past year, and I've always been quick to say it was from a dear friend who gave it to me 'just because'. See, I often wore my black fedora to rehearsal & performances, and John came across one that had a knit top, with a white snowflake design, that happened to match EXACTLY the snowflake design on my mittens. And he bought it for me. Because. Because he was a giver, a kind soul. Another of the pastimes he did was attend marathons as a spectator, holding out Twizzlers, and wearing a shirt that said "Free Hugs", which he gave willingly, lovingly and openly. After hearing of his passing, I was walking down a snow-covered sidewalk to an appointment yesterday, and a couple of guys waiting for the bus caught my attention. I thought perhaps they would compliment my hat, thus assuring me Walski's energy was still around. It was better than that - the one guy complimented my boots and asked where I got them, then he pulled me into a quick, gentle hug. (No, he didn't pickpocket me, or grope me or anything like that!) And I knew that I had been given the gift of a free hug from an unexpected place. Thanks, Walski. And who would have thought, but Buzzfeed, of all places, put together this list that I think is worth reading and sharing. Things Nobody Tells You About Being Depressed |
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September 2018
Kimberly Logan
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