It's my own fault - which can make the feelings of guilt, anger, and sadness that much harder to deal with.
There's an opportunity today for an audition at a company I would love to work with, but I'm not attending the audition. I put it on my calendar weeks ago as a reminder to prepare something for it specifically, but as the days and weeks passed, it kept getting pushed further and further back on the 'to-do' list. (You may have skimmed my last post about "Procrastination"...)
Part of the issue is my preparation for Tamora in Titus Andronicus. We preview exactly one month from yesterday, and I'm still not off-book. Technically our 'off-book' deadline is this coming Sunday, but I know from experience that the sooner I can have the words cleanly in my mind and body, the sooner I am able to embody the role & live in the moment on stage (my personal goals as an actor). I don't know what's keeping me from preparing...from doing the work I know I should.
And, of course, that lack of understanding is its own kind of procrastination and distraction. The snowball of thoughts starts to roll...Am I doing what I really 'want' to do? Am I wasting my time pursuing a career that has no stability? Do I have any talent at all? Should I just resign myself to a desk-job and volunteer somewhere on the weekends to feel useful to society? Why didn't I just do what I KNOW I needed to do and then I wouldn't feel like this! Why don't I have the 6-8 monologues always at the ready so I can drop what I'm doing and hit in audition at ANY time? Did I learn anything in school? Have I learned anything from 11 years in Chicago? Does anyone even think I have talent? Am I only working because people think I'm dependable (which, obviously, I'm not right now!) and most actors are flakes?!?
Yes, it jumps that quickly and that deeply into self-doubt,through self-judgement, and towards self-hate. And this is where the more philosophical questions come into play. Is this the depression talking? Is it "just" PMS? (I put "Just" in quotes because many folks don't seem to understand that it is a REAL condition. Not every woman suffers from it, but those that do know that it can have very real effects on your physical, mental, and emotional state.) If I lay back down and cover my head will it all be better tomorrow? Because if it IS depression or PMS or both, what the fuck am I supposed to do? How do I push through it? Can I? Do I seriously have to wait until it passes before I can DO ANYTHING?
So instead of preparing, I freeze myself into this world of fear and anger and frustration, until I feel physically ill.
My friend Jack often suggests: Forgive yourself, but don't let yourself off the hook.
That first step is the hardest for me.
*Quote by Louis Pasteur (Some say it's "Chance" rather than "Fortune" but I agree with the sentiment)