I'm not suicidal...
I have had thoughts of the world being a better place without me in it.
But Robin Williams passed away yesterday and everyone knows the world is NOT better with him not in it.
My personal story is below...should you be so inclined to peruse. It helps to know you are not alone...because the thing about depression is that it can make you feel completely ALONE... Despite the 7 Billion other humans inhabiting this planet with you.
My first trip to therapy was just after high school and I thought I was going there to deal with a love triangle gone bad. At the time, I was diagnosed and given a medication that I didn't like - it made me feel very jittery and I stopped taking it (with my doctor's permission and monitoring).
I stopped going to therapy after about a year because I felt that my life had turned around and I was an adult now and I didn't need it anymore.
I lived for about 10 years or so 'just fine thank you very much' and moved from place to place, following my career choice of 'actor' and had my first 'grown-up' relationship and moved to Chicago with my love and wasn't life great? The relationship ended, but I stayed in Chicago and saw great success (from the Chicago-theatre-standpoint) in my vocation of theatre. I landed a great day-job with iGive that offered me financial security and achieved my goal of joining the Babes With Blades Theatre Company's ensemble (this was actually a goal I had written down, which I never do, and I had achieved it!!!! And they are as awesome to work with as I had hoped they'd be. Oh JOY!). I had another, even more well-adjusted, romantic relationship. It also ended, but on even better terms. I was good. Life was good.
And I felt lost. And angry. And sad. And frustrated. And empty. And embarrassed. And alone. And many more words that don't come close to describing my emotional state. I remembered the feelings from high school and new what the problem was, but for some reason thought I had a handle on it. I had discovered New Thought Chicago (a metaphysical and Christian Science type of spiritual study that encourages a belief in the power of God as dwelling within each of us - we just need to tap into that power). This kept the full onslaught of depression at bay for a couple of years, but also, ironically made it worse: if I have the power in me to feel better, why don't I? New Thought Chicago folks began focusing on another project (The Peace on Earth Film Festival, which is amazing & you should check it out), so the weekly spiritual fix I'd been getting went away.
I closed myself off from friends. I'd force myself to go out and be social and end up crying silent tears in a corner of the room or the bathroom and then leave quickly to avoid creating a scene. I finally started to reach out to people that I knew had similar issues - I asked for guidance ("Are you on meds? What do you take? How does it change you?" etc.) I posted something to facebook about being depressed and yet another friend private messaged me with the name of a therapist. I double checked insurance stuff and made an appointment.
Yay! I was healed! It was working - this was the end of the battle!
And then I had another, horrible break down - because while I felt much better on the surface, I still felt pretty awful underneath. And that compounded it - Dear God, even therapy couldn't help me. What was WRONG with me? This was around the holidays and my therapist suggested I check into medication. I had a bad time with it before, but maybe my body and the medications available had changed enough to help. There was a rough ordeal with finding a doctor covered by my insurance with a new-patient opening around the holidays (I ended up going to my OB/GYN who is amazing!) and I ended up on an anti-depressant in early January.
I was initially concerned about 2 things: A - what if it doesn't work? (I'm starting to run out of options...) B - what if it changes me?
Well, thankfully, it worked. And, of course, it changed me, but it didn't change ME, if that makes sense. I still get angry, sad, frustrated, and a little lost - but that's not my default emotional state any more. When I feel those things, there's still a part of me that knows this is temporary and the calm and the confidence and the peace will return once I ride through whatever it is that's outwardly causing the wave. Because now it is an outward reaction to circumstances, rather than an outward flow of 'yuk' that I'm bringing with me to meet circumstances.
And I'm still in therapy - every other week. Turns out in high school I wasn't in therapy because of a love triangle - that was a symptom of the problem, not the problem. I was in therapy because I suffer from depression. And that doesn't just go away. It is a medical condition - and just like pneumonia isn't the same as a cold, my depression isn't the same as anyone else's depression. And like a recovering addict, I doubt I'll ever be fully cured.
But I'm okay with that. Mostly, because with medication and therapy and a steady practice of self-care, I'm more okay in general.