That's what 2015 has felt like to me - A lot has changed, but so much of it has stayed the same. I'm still 'me', but I've begun noticing more about myself. I'm noticing when I feel calm, and happy, and when I'm not, I notice that I've stopped judging myself for that. (Talk about a BIG change!)
I consciously chose to let 2015 be a bit of a 'break' from the non-stop persual of theatre gigs that's marked my last 12 years in Chicago (Year 11 included 6 projects and that damn-near killed me!), but still ended up in 2 full productions, a late night Halloween show, a Fight Night presentation, and several readings. Not to mention rehearsals for Knife & Fork's Sketchbook piece: Spanx You Very Much, which goes up mid-January.
The former "I'll never work again!" fear has been replaced by a curiosity about life: "I wonder what the next project will be?" The desperation to 'make it all happen' and 'figure out what's wrong' has dissipated...Damn. I think I'm finally maturing.
I've done the same with my relationship to the concept of relationships, too! What used to be "Oh God, he likes me! How do I keep him interested? What can I do to make him happy? How will we get through hard times? Did he just talk to some other girl? What's wrong with me now?" (Yes, this all went through my head, usually in the first hour of meeting!) is now much more "Oh, hey. I like this guy's energy. I sure do seem to be smiling a lot when I see/think of him. This is cool. Wonder what, if anything, will happen next?"
That's it. Curiosity. Engaging in the 'now' moment. (How many self-help books have you read that suggested that?!?!)
Despite the media messages of being a white, 30-something, single female living in urban America, I'm actually happy with who, what, and where I am right now. I've taken the pressure off. I always used to be afraid that if I wasn't doing too much, I wasn't doing enough. Turns out that may not have been the best choice for my happiness...because now I am happy. I'm finding the moments. I'm treasuring them. I'm living in them.
I've often told folks I can't wait to be old...I think deep down my spirit always knew that the only missing ingredient to my happiness, was this sense of 'time'.
(I think impatience has always been the hardest concept for me to come to terms with - you can't have experience until you have time to have the experience...but we all want to know the end will be okay, before we have time to live through the day. At this point in my live, I've had lots of experiences. And as time passes from one experience to another, I've been allowed to review choices and heal from hurts...and be ready for new experiences when they appear.)